[DRAFT] Untitled poem

I still recall that day.
The day I found out, I was expecting.
The two lines were obvious to my eyes.
I was excited.
 
I will be a mom!
A mom that will love you unconditionally.
I will shower you with hugs when the world brings you down.
I will be right by your side to wipe your tears falling down your cheeks.
My joys will soon be cut short while waiting for your arrival.
 
There I sat on the table in the clinic.
The weather was beautiful.
The sun was shining through the windows.
The doctor came in to do the usual exam.
Out of nowhere, that beautiful day and happiness,
soon turned into a stormy moment for me.
 
It turns out your heart has stopped.
My dreams of holding you in the months to come,
will never arrive.
I will never get to touch your small hands and feet.
I will never see those tiny eyes of yours.
I will never hear you cry out when you are hungry.
I will never get to rock you in my arms,
as I watch you sleep,
I will never be able to sing to you,
songs that will calm your senses.
I will never see you grow.
 
You are a living beauty no matter what.
A joy to my heart when I knew I was pregnant.
I enjoyed touching my belly, even when the bump was not visible.
I enjoyed every moment I sang my heart out.
I knew you heard every note of it.
Even with the saddest moment of life,
I knew I gave you all the love a mother can give to her child.
I loved you since and will always love you even when you are gone.
I may never meet you face to face, but I love you with every piece of my heart.

 

©SheJoy

Rainbow

Do you remember days, when all you saw was nothing but grays?

Just grays with darkness surrounding it.

A thud of thunder is heard, followed by droplets of rain.

The droplets of rain soon turned into a downstream from the heavens.

It poured endlessly, that it felt like a stream of tears waiting to be let down.

Tears of every emotion kept inside for a long time.

The stream of tears was like the pouring rain outside my windows.

Rain that gave me strength to hope for what is ahead of my journey, to simply embrace life freely as the wind blows on this stormy day.

To place a broken cup outside my porch and catch what is left of that ray of hope.

For hope is nothing but a four-letter word waiting to fill my broken cup, my shattered dreams.

My shattered dreams slowly dwindling away to disappearance into the storm.

However, one nudge and a spirit brings forth a nudge to my ears.

I listened to this inner voice after seeking Him in prayers, in hopes I’d find the truth of where I need to stand at this point of time in my life.

The truth belongs to where my heart desires in my mind and soul.

He knew it will be difficult journey, but He pushes me silently.

Sitting still by the windows, the darkness I saw in life slowly turned into a ray of hope.

The ray of hope began to settle onto my soul, as the sun lit the stormy skies.

Finally, when I took a step outside and looked into my broken cup, I saw nothing but droplets of water.

Amidst looking down into it, I looked up into the bright skies and saw a colorful ray of colors.

A rainbow so colorful, filling my heart with joy and taking me out of the darkness I have been in for so long.

Hope

Sometimes you traverse down a path,
Unknown to your senses, but you still kept walking it.
At times, it feels nothing.
No air, no wind, just in the world of nothingness,
but you and your soul braving it with everything you have got.
There are times, when it feels like you have given all you have,
With very little left of hope in the empty cup, you hold on to, all these times.
Just simply waiting for that ray of sunlight to peak from the skies
and energizing you with strength to conquer life’s battles in your journey.

©SheJoy

Battle Scar

I used to dream that everyone

would be happy.

A place filled with no hatred,

no chaos, and no pain.

Somehow, the freedom to dream 

all went down stream.

All washed away in the waters,

not even reflecting its remnants.

What once was a dream,

now became dark.

Darkest skies I shall say,

not even a speck of light

shining through.

A storm has just arrived.

And it comes with a loud cry.

The cry of angst,

like endless thunder

rumbling through the night.

Many storms shall pass,

but a certain storm will stay.

It stays inside of my flesh,

remaining dormant until shaken.

Once outside, it produces tears

like rain falling from the skies.

With painful thoughts,

haunting me all over again.

Wishing I could let the words out, 

but to remain silent is the route,

for this battle scar will never be won.

Missing Home

The humid air welcomes me,

as I stepped outside of the airport.

Welcome to Manila!

Memories etched on stones.

Where a whole part of me has never left.

 

 

Laughter fills the air as conversations were made. 

The kitchen boasts an aroma of traditional dishes.
The table is filled with our favorite foods,
all ready for a feast.
All made with hands that have missed us all these years.

Outside, the orchids bloomed in mom's garden.

The beauty within these orchids,

so full of life and God's love.

 

I still recall the many times,

I stood in the rain and just let it pour on me.

It was like being baptized all over again.

Raindrops falling on me,

cleansing me inside and out.

My fears washed away,

a renewal of my own self.

The house stood still from the outside.

Same as it was when we first moved in 1994.

It rattles my brain with memories of my childhood.

Running around the garden, until I fell flat on my face.

Falling from the stairs for they were steep.

The living room where mom and her sisters would gather every weekend.

The weekends filled with music and karaoke,

where I worked on developing the gift of singing

with the presence of my aunts.
The same place where I would sleep at times,

for the marbled floors cooled my body during the night.

In the end, the last place I recall of the interiors,

before bidding good bye when going back to our lives abroad.

Crosses

Eyes bloodshot red

from crying intensely of pain.

Too many storms have passed,

and still a heavy heart is existent.

The crosses are like a boulder 

on my back, increasing weight,

as I climb up the mountain top. 

The pain is so much to bear,

but silence comes with patience

to withstand it all.

Should a rainbow appear,

will I find my inner peace

with that pot of gold in the end?

Death of Friendship

There is that hole

piercing through my heart,

with pain from over a year ago.

A pain that has made me incomplete,

like a puzzle missing waiting to be complete.

At times, weakness strikes with no warning,

making me fall to my knees.

My hands clasping my head so tight,

that I no longer feel the same,

rather a stranger walking around 

some foreign place.

My heart is as cold as death,

numb with lidocaine.

Unable to feel the beauty, 

joys, laughter, and love.

All that is there, sorrow.

Sorrow for the pain inflicted upon me, 

like a knife stabbing me from behind.

Pronouncing death over many memories
of a genuine friendship that is no longer existent.